I am deemed the laziest person under the earth and No. 1 procrastinator. The problem is that this is affecting my life. I’m too lazy to wake up to even go to school and I skip school for weeks on end. I’m always putting off task and I never do them unless my life is threatened. Please give me some advice on how I can deal with my laziness and procrastionation problem.
Bhuti Khaya Responds
I know
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I’m having difficulty making sense of whats going on in life,./ I cant seem to put my finger on it. I wake up with continuous headaches, blurred vision and on occasion, mild amnesia. I recently started a liquid diet which my dietitian advised would help me lose 10kgs in a week. So i assumed that having any liquid form would do. I put together a balanced diet plan by having breakfast fit for a king with Dom Perignon, lunch like a queen with Smirnoff, and supper like a pauper with Castle Milk Stout. Instead of losing the 10kgs, instead I’ve lost 5 days. Pleeeez…..hepl *burp*
Bhuti Khaya Responds
Dear Skunky (Excuse me while I get a some Air Freshener)
Now that I’ve got that smell out of the way we can start.
For the record, I’ve never seen a drunk skunk. It is unfair on the skunk. Well, you are a certified alcoholic, but don’t be expecting to be getting a certificate. We generally don’t award people for being alcoholics. You should know that alcoholism is the only disease you get yelled at for having. YOU’RE AN ALCOHOLIC! YES, I’M YELLING AT YOU.
Have you woken up in strange beds with strange men? By the way, which clubs do you frequent and on what days do you go? (You’ve got my email address.)
I understand that you have cases of amnesia too. Well, I guess I’m going to have to repeat this…
Dear Skunky (Excuse me while I get a some Air Freshener)
For the record, I’ve never seen a drunk skunk. It is unfair on the skunk. Well, you are a certified alcoholic, but don’t be expecting to be getting a certificate. We generally don’t award people for being alcoholics. You should know that alcoholism is the only disease you get yelled at for having. YOU’RE AN ALCOHOLIC! YES, I’M YELLING AT YOU.
Have you woken up in strange beds with strange men? By the way, which clubs do you frequent and on what days do you go? (You’ve got my email address.)
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I am a gentleman in his late 60s. I am married with 4 wives and have 20 kids. The latest baby is from a relationship with a 39 year old whom I am not married to. I have just married my latest wife and engaged to another. Now I am not sure if I should marry the 39 year old. She is the child of my friend an…d I don’t want to cause a rift between me and my friend, kepha umnandi. Please help.
Bhuti Khaya Responds Dear Anonymous from eNkandla.
I must admit, for an anonymous man, you are not very anonymous. What? You’re worried about creating a rift between you and your friend? For a man with a powerful machine, you sure do act like a girl. What are you doing president Anonymous? Men don’t worry about causing rifts with friends because of a woman. Remember, I’m watching you.
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I think my boyfriend doesn’t find me attractive, your the best person I can ask for advice please help!
Unnatractive
Bhuti Khaya Responds
Dear Unnatractive
Let me start off, Unnatractive, by saying that the way you spelled your name is unattractive. Did that make you feel worse? Good. Now let’s move on to your problem.
Surely that should make him unattractive to you shouldn’t it? Having said that, send me pictures of yourself. Preferably pictures where you’d be dressed like the emperor in that famous story we all read as kids, The Emperor Has New Clothes. It is only after I evaluate these pictures that I would be able to tell whether he wrong or right.
p.s you already have my email address.
Does NO really mean YES?
Presh
Bhuti Khaya Responds
Straight to the Point. In the words of Facebook, “Khaya Dlanga likes this.” *thumb like button* However, in words similar to ones once used by Mark Twain, I don’t have time to write you a short reply, so I’m writing you a long one.
No always means No even if it means Yes. I know it seems confusing, but trust me. However, Yes is a little more complex for a three letter word. Yes means Yes but sometimes it means No. If you thought that was confusing how about this from a typical South African, “Yes, no, maybe”? What does that mean? This does not mean Yes, No or even Maybe. When someone says this they might as well be speaking Klingon.
To answer your question, yes dear, No always means No.
Having said that, since I know what you look like, depending on which room we’d be in, my no would always be yes to you.
My Girlfrend (or x girl) sent me this sms yesterday.
“I would prefer it if I had no contact with you.I have more of me without you. I dont mean this in a bad way. Still love you.”
How do I answer this? Am I dumped?
Me.
Bhuti Khaya Responds
Dear Me. (We both know you are not me. You are you and I am me.)
First of all I would like to thank you for this question. I was starting to think that people are happy. I haven’t had a question in months. Your unhappiness has made me happy.
I will translate what she said to you in a very nice way. Gently. What that SMS actually means is, “I hate you.” I hope that was gentle enough. And yes, you are dumped.
Just say, “Send my regards to your new boyfriend, Satan. I hope you two are happy.” Then end off by saying, “I know you hate me but – can we at least still have sex?”
I have a problem, my ex dumped me and now he is stalking me. Calls me all the time, e-mails me and sometimes comes over unannounced. I have told him on numerous occasions that I want nothing to do with him. Please help, how can I permanently get rid of him?
Anon
Bhut Khaya Responds
Did you say “permanently get rid him”? That is a very ambiguous statement. During the black and white era, no, I’m not talking about television, I’m talking about apartheid, when the government wanted someone dead, they said, “We need to get rid of him permanently.”
My advice to you is that you should get yourself a great lawyer. It’s a pity Johnny Cochran is dead. He could get anyone out of anything, ask O.J Simpson. Bad news is he couldn’t get himself out of death. Oh, hang on! In fact I know just the perfect lawyer for you. Denny Crane. He is the founder of Crane, Poole and Schmidt. And I quote, “Never lost. Never will.”
Once you’ve disposed of the body, get “Denny Crane.” He’s your man.
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